Don't know where to begin

Haven't eaten in two days.  That feels good.  My shrink quit.  That feels bad.  If i take enough Ativan I don't notice how much i am crying.

The worst part

The worst part is the loneliness.  Having no one to talk to, about anything.  And no one should be burdened with me anyway.

I want to be in recovery from all this shit but all i do is push myself, push myself, push myself until i crack and fall down exhausted again, like today, when everything brings me to tears and all i want is to curl up and not exist anymore.

Morning Page 090723

Up until about 0330, slept on couch, kids woke me at 0830. so fucking tired.

Yesterday set appointment with neurologist downtown, set up call-back for psychiatrist appointment in September.

Also looked into "text novels" - the ones people get on their cell phones.

Want to switch to a friendlier OS for the laptop, but without a CD drive it is not easy to do ... then found my memory was almost maxed out, so cleared off music and failed applications.

For some reason I can't add anything to my music player.

A lot of frustration, and little accomplishment. Same shit, different day.

Never Too Late For A Monday, Part 2

I got so depressed I started crying, then I burned myself. No satisfaction there: I am a cutter, it's not just the pain, it's the blood ...

Never Too Late For A Monday

The Universe must have felt bad that I missed Monday, so I get Monday today.

D caught me off-guard and I was talking about myself. He told me I'm "like a broken record" - I'm supposed to be there for him, it's not the other way around. I am supposed to listen to his problems, his medical concerns, his work gripes, and so forth. If I speak, I am supposed to supply amusement and light commentary. Serious topics, and anything to do with my feelings, are not to be discussed. As I said, I was caught off guard. I apologized, told him I would need time to come up with something entertaining, and signed off. I guess I won't be talking to him anymore.

I suppose it's better this way - better to really be alone than to be trying to be bright and cheery for some one who doesn't appreciate what it costs me while my world falls apart.

Morning Page 090722

Slept on the couch; broken sleep of course ... awakened at 0830, too too soon, and not early enough!

Walked six miles yesterday and i think i got some sunburn on my neck; ate a hard-boiled egg, a few tortilla chips, a taco puff, and fruit salad.

Bleh.

Recovery Hurdles

Even when I am in a mindset of wanting to recover, feel better, do better, it seems I face so many obstacles ...

Most significant, I suppose, is the sense of isolation. Even the professionals paid to provide me care couldn't care less.

Then there is the issue of diagnosis. Despite a platoon of doctors for various symptoms, I have yet to receive an official diagnosis for anything - and without an official label, I am limited in my avenues of assistance.

Frustrating, to say the least ...

Morning Page 090721

I am sick of feeling this way, but more than that, I am sick of feeling like I am the only person who cares ...

I get told that my feelings matter to other people, but what they say and how they act do not tell the same story.

If I just go by how they act, no one gives a fuck about me. I get the impression I am the only one who even thinks I have feelings, and I might well be crazy: so are my feelings even real? Judging by other people, they are not. If only I perceive something that the rest of the world does not, that is insane.

I have to fight this madness of believing I have valid feelings, like real people have. I am not a real person and I have to accept that. But I am so scared to let go of the insanity and only be a thing whose purpose is to support the real people around me.

Morning Pages

A tip I read about, concerning journaling and recovery processes, is using "morning pages" to vent out any starting low one might have. When first waking, blood sugar is low, which can contribute to depressed mood. So, first thing, journaling out those thoughts and feelings - just to be rid of them - is a good idea; and these "morning pages" should/could be kept separate from other journaling to preserve the validity and focus of the "real" journal. (The author of the tip suggested the "morning pages" should not be reread later, and kept in a different location than any other daily log, for easy disposal.)

Dyssomnia

Went to bed about 0330 Monday morning; got up at 0600 today.

Guess I couldn't take another Monday so soon after the last one.

My World, Welcome To It

So last Saturday I went to my psychiatrist for my 15-minutes-every-six-weeks-appointment.

I told him I had been struggling with my restrictive eating disorder (he looked at me like "you lie, you fatass, you are not anything like anorexic"). Then I told him I wanted to try bupropion ("Wellbutrin") since I was feeling so depressed.

He already writes me a prescription for anti-seizure medication.

All documentation says bupropion should not be taken by people who have histories including seizures and eating disorders.

He wrote the prescription.

Nice, huh?

So today I started the 'bup-up' and mentioned to my husband I had started it. He didn't ask "what medicine," or "what side effects," although with every medication up until now I had discussed such things with him, especially side effects, so he would know what to watch for just in case.

Then he went out.

So I am home alone, and anything could happen ... nothing will, of course, but anything could.

This is my life.

Monday!

To quote Brenda Spencer, I don't like Mondays.

I totally overslept despite waking at 0630, 0830, and 1030.

Slow, angsty start to the worst day of the week. Blech.

More Goals

Tomorrow I plan to start running and to pick up my yoga routine again, to help offset the panic I've been dealing with the whole trying-to-eat-more-than-a-coma-patient thing.

Links

I started a delicious account for the links I gather through this ...

link collection

Today's Calorie Count

Total: 1523

I totally pigged out today. Pizza is to blame. I don't feel too bad about it, though.

Friday Calorie Count

Just recording it...

864 calories. I suck.

Saturday...

Yesterday was a total fail. I ate nothing, was very depressed.

Reflection...

Earlier this week I was absolutely sure I was ready to take control of my eating disorder.

Yesterday morning, after having been up all night, I had the thought that maybe I'm not. I did not hit my calorie intake goal. I felt fat and worried about gaining weight.

This morning, after getting sleep, I still feel the same.

I want recovery, but I don't know if I am really ready to try.

More Dyssomnia

Tired, sleepless.

I intend to stay up until a reasonable hour this evening. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I have to be somewhat coherent for it.

Yesterday's Bright Side

I didn't get around to doing this yesterday...

My positive thought: Even with a setback, I can still make my daily intake goal.

Still Looking

Still looking for a support group, on or offline, and a 'buddy' ...

Still finding nothing, but still looking.

Today's Calorie Count

Even with the setback earlier, I hit my 1000kcal goal, thanks to uber-nommy rare steak.

Get Used to This

Rants about 'pro-ana' assholes: get used to seeing them here.

I hate stupid people as it is. In this case, not only are these stupid people incredibly offensive to me personally with their stupidity, they also need to be killed by fire.

Aw, you have 10 vanity pounds to lose and wish you could be anorexic? Let's work together. I'll burn you alive and eat your tasty, fatty meat. Deal?

Tips for Recovery (General)

Establishing a routine can be a useful tool in the recovery process.


I do need to establish myself a healthier routine. But I am at a loss as to how ...

Follow-up to Setback Post

I am not always on 'speaking terms' with my body ... sometimes it takes me an inordinate amount of time to figure out something is physically wrong.

It finally occurred to me I might be ill with a virus of some kind.

My head hurts, my body aches in all my joints, my back is sore and tender ... my stomach may have been upset before I ate and I hadn't noticed.

Of course, the physical malaise could be from the dyssomnia. I suppose only time will tell.

Setback

So I was feeling pretty good about my calorie intake and even decided to venture into solid food much earlier in the day than I usually do.

And about twenty minutes after eating a cereal bar I threw it up.

(Does it still count as a 'purge' if I didn't do it on purpose? I will have to assume it does.)

The adventure continues...

Tips for Recovery (General)

When setting and working toward any goal, it is important to remember that there will be set-backs and challenges. (Some might call them failures, but I want to avoid that word as much as possible in regard to recovery.)

The important thing to remember is that recovery is a process. It tends to move in cycles, and every cycle has "high" and "low" points.

I accept the challenges ... if, for example, I end up vomiting up the meal I managed to get down, that's a setback, not a failure. I can get more calories in later, and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.

Symptoms, Addendum 1

Mostly it seems to me I get depressed (and struggle with other symptoms) because I am worthless.

The common thought seems to be, however, that people often feel worthless as a symptom of depression.

I suppose it is possible I have "depression" and feeling worthless is a symptom of that.

Strictly speaking, however, I know depression is a *symptom,* so saying "I have depression" is as diagnostically useless as saying "I have eczema" - it's accurate and can be treated, but gives no insight to the underlying cause of the condition. Without addressing the cause, one will end up treating the symptoms forever.

Tips for ED Recovery

I found one good article (only one!) regarding recovering from a restrictive eating disorder like mine. I really do want to get better so I am following the advice therein to the best of my ability.

First is the admonition to get help. Professional help, and personal help. Recovery is not impossible alone, but it is much easier when one has support to keep one encouraged and on-track.

I am having trouble with this, of course. Currently I see a psychiatrist every four to six weeks for fifteen minutes (mostly to get my prescriptions refilled) and a psychologist every four to six weeks for forty-five minutes (in whom I have recently lost a great deal of confidence).

And I have no personal support at all. I don't really have any friends. When I do try to talk to the people close to me about any of this, I generally am left with the impression they aren't listening.

Slow Start Today

I went to bed at midnight last night, but was still awake at 0400, so I took a sleeping pill, which took an hour to work.

Got up at 1400.

One day at a time, as they say in the 12-Steps.

Today's Calorie Count

I managed to break 1000 for today, and haven't had supper yet.

I hope to have supper too, but if it takes too much longer I will be too tired to eat.

Goal Setting

Setting goals is important ... The only way I can know I am succeeding is if I take the time to define success.

An immediate goal is to intake at least 1000 calories every day.

The long-term goal is to recover my sense of self-worth.

There are certainly intermediate goals to be determined, but this is a good start.

First Step

Today I made the first step in my attempt to recover from my illness.

I recognized I cannot continue in this way and I need to make changes.

This is my positive thought for today: I have begun my journey to wellness.

Symptoms

The eating disorder is not the only symptom I have been struggling with.

Depression, seizures, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bouts of oppositional defiance disorder, self-destructive behaviors, varying dyssomnia ...

Different people see different things. They try to 'cure' whichever symptom makes the most sense to them, or is what they understand.

But all of these are just symptoms of the single, deeply-rooted, wretched secret I live with every day.

I am worthless.

No previous treatment has worked because nothing addressed the real cause of my problems.

Maybe now I can fight this face-to-face.

Calories

I learned today that coma patients are given 1200 calories intravenously each day to keep them alive.

Many people struggling with restrictive eating disorders (like me) have intakes of less than 1000 calories a day, and tend to be at least slightly more active than the typical coma patient.

We're told to take in between 2000 and 2500 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight.

I found a calorie counting gadget (as recommended as part of the recovery process) and have determined that so far today I have taken in 360 calories, with about 350 of those coming from the sugar in my tea.

On The Bright Side...

I have to remind myself sometimes to make the effort to be positive. It is an effort, and I generally don't feel I'm worth the effort.

But I have to make the effort if I want to end this winter.

So I promise myself that I will try to post something positive any day that I post something negative.

Isolation

Part of the winter landscape is isolation.

It's so hard to talk about how I feel and what I am going through. And when I do make the attempt to open up and discuss these issues, too often I feel ignored.

I don't want to burden anyone; nor can I risk alienating the few people willing to associate with me.

So I closet up my feelings and put on the happy face. No problems here, everything is *just fine*.

Anorexia

I've had my fill today of stupid bullshit online about anorexia.

According to the Internet, only teen girls who think they are fat have anorexia. (Except for a few mentions that men can have it too! *gasp*)

The fact is, however, that anyone can develop a restrictive eating disorder. Any gender, any age, and for so many reasons that trying to list them is pointless.

Yes, a teen girl with body image issues needs a different treatment approach than a 30-something mother that simply feels she doesn't deserve to eat. But both suffer from the same symptom: a restrictive eating disorder.

It seems like only me and one other person have realized this.

Second Post

This feels like hitting bottom.

I went to bed Tuesday morning about 0500 and slept 30 hours.

I finally weigh what I should: 135 pounds. I feel fat and disgusting.

I spent hours today looking for support groups for anorexia-type eating disorders for adults and found a lot of crap and almost nothing useful.

Whose bright idea is it to have weight-loss ads on ED sites?

First Post

I have been looking for support groups for anorexia. I can't find any offline groups in my area.

In looking for online groups, I kept seeing these "pro-ana" groups.

Pro-anorexia. "I want to be anorexic to lose weight."

WTFBBQ.

Pro-ana? DIAF.