Earlier this week I was absolutely sure I was ready to take control of my eating disorder.
Yesterday morning, after having been up all night, I had the thought that maybe I'm not. I did not hit my calorie intake goal. I felt fat and worried about gaining weight.
This morning, after getting sleep, I still feel the same.
I want recovery, but I don't know if I am really ready to try.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
More Dyssomnia
Tired, sleepless.
I intend to stay up until a reasonable hour this evening. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I have to be somewhat coherent for it.
I intend to stay up until a reasonable hour this evening. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I have to be somewhat coherent for it.
Yesterday's Bright Side
I didn't get around to doing this yesterday...
My positive thought: Even with a setback, I can still make my daily intake goal.
My positive thought: Even with a setback, I can still make my daily intake goal.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Still Looking
Still looking for a support group, on or offline, and a 'buddy' ...
Still finding nothing, but still looking.
Still finding nothing, but still looking.
Today's Calorie Count
Even with the setback earlier, I hit my 1000kcal goal, thanks to uber-nommy rare steak.
Get Used to This
Rants about 'pro-ana' assholes: get used to seeing them here.
I hate stupid people as it is. In this case, not only are these stupid people incredibly offensive to me personally with their stupidity, they also need to be killed by fire.
Aw, you have 10 vanity pounds to lose and wish you could be anorexic? Let's work together. I'll burn you alive and eat your tasty, fatty meat. Deal?
I hate stupid people as it is. In this case, not only are these stupid people incredibly offensive to me personally with their stupidity, they also need to be killed by fire.
Aw, you have 10 vanity pounds to lose and wish you could be anorexic? Let's work together. I'll burn you alive and eat your tasty, fatty meat. Deal?
Tips for Recovery (General)
Establishing a routine can be a useful tool in the recovery process.
I do need to establish myself a healthier routine. But I am at a loss as to how ...
I do need to establish myself a healthier routine. But I am at a loss as to how ...
Follow-up to Setback Post
I am not always on 'speaking terms' with my body ... sometimes it takes me an inordinate amount of time to figure out something is physically wrong.
It finally occurred to me I might be ill with a virus of some kind.
My head hurts, my body aches in all my joints, my back is sore and tender ... my stomach may have been upset before I ate and I hadn't noticed.
Of course, the physical malaise could be from the dyssomnia. I suppose only time will tell.
It finally occurred to me I might be ill with a virus of some kind.
My head hurts, my body aches in all my joints, my back is sore and tender ... my stomach may have been upset before I ate and I hadn't noticed.
Of course, the physical malaise could be from the dyssomnia. I suppose only time will tell.
Setback
So I was feeling pretty good about my calorie intake and even decided to venture into solid food much earlier in the day than I usually do.
And about twenty minutes after eating a cereal bar I threw it up.
(Does it still count as a 'purge' if I didn't do it on purpose? I will have to assume it does.)
The adventure continues...
And about twenty minutes after eating a cereal bar I threw it up.
(Does it still count as a 'purge' if I didn't do it on purpose? I will have to assume it does.)
The adventure continues...
Tips for Recovery (General)
When setting and working toward any goal, it is important to remember that there will be set-backs and challenges. (Some might call them failures, but I want to avoid that word as much as possible in regard to recovery.)
The important thing to remember is that recovery is a process. It tends to move in cycles, and every cycle has "high" and "low" points.
I accept the challenges ... if, for example, I end up vomiting up the meal I managed to get down, that's a setback, not a failure. I can get more calories in later, and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.
The important thing to remember is that recovery is a process. It tends to move in cycles, and every cycle has "high" and "low" points.
I accept the challenges ... if, for example, I end up vomiting up the meal I managed to get down, that's a setback, not a failure. I can get more calories in later, and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.
Symptoms, Addendum 1
Mostly it seems to me I get depressed (and struggle with other symptoms) because I am worthless.
The common thought seems to be, however, that people often feel worthless as a symptom of depression.
I suppose it is possible I have "depression" and feeling worthless is a symptom of that.
Strictly speaking, however, I know depression is a *symptom,* so saying "I have depression" is as diagnostically useless as saying "I have eczema" - it's accurate and can be treated, but gives no insight to the underlying cause of the condition. Without addressing the cause, one will end up treating the symptoms forever.
The common thought seems to be, however, that people often feel worthless as a symptom of depression.
I suppose it is possible I have "depression" and feeling worthless is a symptom of that.
Strictly speaking, however, I know depression is a *symptom,* so saying "I have depression" is as diagnostically useless as saying "I have eczema" - it's accurate and can be treated, but gives no insight to the underlying cause of the condition. Without addressing the cause, one will end up treating the symptoms forever.
Tips for ED Recovery
I found one good article (only one!) regarding recovering from a restrictive eating disorder like mine. I really do want to get better so I am following the advice therein to the best of my ability.
First is the admonition to get help. Professional help, and personal help. Recovery is not impossible alone, but it is much easier when one has support to keep one encouraged and on-track.
I am having trouble with this, of course. Currently I see a psychiatrist every four to six weeks for fifteen minutes (mostly to get my prescriptions refilled) and a psychologist every four to six weeks for forty-five minutes (in whom I have recently lost a great deal of confidence).
And I have no personal support at all. I don't really have any friends. When I do try to talk to the people close to me about any of this, I generally am left with the impression they aren't listening.
First is the admonition to get help. Professional help, and personal help. Recovery is not impossible alone, but it is much easier when one has support to keep one encouraged and on-track.
I am having trouble with this, of course. Currently I see a psychiatrist every four to six weeks for fifteen minutes (mostly to get my prescriptions refilled) and a psychologist every four to six weeks for forty-five minutes (in whom I have recently lost a great deal of confidence).
And I have no personal support at all. I don't really have any friends. When I do try to talk to the people close to me about any of this, I generally am left with the impression they aren't listening.
Slow Start Today
I went to bed at midnight last night, but was still awake at 0400, so I took a sleeping pill, which took an hour to work.
Got up at 1400.
One day at a time, as they say in the 12-Steps.
Got up at 1400.
One day at a time, as they say in the 12-Steps.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Today's Calorie Count
I managed to break 1000 for today, and haven't had supper yet.
I hope to have supper too, but if it takes too much longer I will be too tired to eat.
I hope to have supper too, but if it takes too much longer I will be too tired to eat.
Goal Setting
Setting goals is important ... The only way I can know I am succeeding is if I take the time to define success.
An immediate goal is to intake at least 1000 calories every day.
The long-term goal is to recover my sense of self-worth.
There are certainly intermediate goals to be determined, but this is a good start.
An immediate goal is to intake at least 1000 calories every day.
The long-term goal is to recover my sense of self-worth.
There are certainly intermediate goals to be determined, but this is a good start.
First Step
Today I made the first step in my attempt to recover from my illness.
I recognized I cannot continue in this way and I need to make changes.
This is my positive thought for today: I have begun my journey to wellness.
I recognized I cannot continue in this way and I need to make changes.
This is my positive thought for today: I have begun my journey to wellness.
Symptoms
The eating disorder is not the only symptom I have been struggling with.
Depression, seizures, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bouts of oppositional defiance disorder, self-destructive behaviors, varying dyssomnia ...
Different people see different things. They try to 'cure' whichever symptom makes the most sense to them, or is what they understand.
But all of these are just symptoms of the single, deeply-rooted, wretched secret I live with every day.
I am worthless.
No previous treatment has worked because nothing addressed the real cause of my problems.
Maybe now I can fight this face-to-face.
Depression, seizures, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bouts of oppositional defiance disorder, self-destructive behaviors, varying dyssomnia ...
Different people see different things. They try to 'cure' whichever symptom makes the most sense to them, or is what they understand.
But all of these are just symptoms of the single, deeply-rooted, wretched secret I live with every day.
I am worthless.
No previous treatment has worked because nothing addressed the real cause of my problems.
Maybe now I can fight this face-to-face.
Calories
I learned today that coma patients are given 1200 calories intravenously each day to keep them alive.
Many people struggling with restrictive eating disorders (like me) have intakes of less than 1000 calories a day, and tend to be at least slightly more active than the typical coma patient.
We're told to take in between 2000 and 2500 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight.
I found a calorie counting gadget (as recommended as part of the recovery process) and have determined that so far today I have taken in 360 calories, with about 350 of those coming from the sugar in my tea.
Many people struggling with restrictive eating disorders (like me) have intakes of less than 1000 calories a day, and tend to be at least slightly more active than the typical coma patient.
We're told to take in between 2000 and 2500 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight.
I found a calorie counting gadget (as recommended as part of the recovery process) and have determined that so far today I have taken in 360 calories, with about 350 of those coming from the sugar in my tea.
On The Bright Side...
I have to remind myself sometimes to make the effort to be positive. It is an effort, and I generally don't feel I'm worth the effort.
But I have to make the effort if I want to end this winter.
So I promise myself that I will try to post something positive any day that I post something negative.
But I have to make the effort if I want to end this winter.
So I promise myself that I will try to post something positive any day that I post something negative.
Isolation
Part of the winter landscape is isolation.
It's so hard to talk about how I feel and what I am going through. And when I do make the attempt to open up and discuss these issues, too often I feel ignored.
I don't want to burden anyone; nor can I risk alienating the few people willing to associate with me.
So I closet up my feelings and put on the happy face. No problems here, everything is *just fine*.
It's so hard to talk about how I feel and what I am going through. And when I do make the attempt to open up and discuss these issues, too often I feel ignored.
I don't want to burden anyone; nor can I risk alienating the few people willing to associate with me.
So I closet up my feelings and put on the happy face. No problems here, everything is *just fine*.
Anorexia
I've had my fill today of stupid bullshit online about anorexia.
According to the Internet, only teen girls who think they are fat have anorexia. (Except for a few mentions that men can have it too! *gasp*)
The fact is, however, that anyone can develop a restrictive eating disorder. Any gender, any age, and for so many reasons that trying to list them is pointless.
Yes, a teen girl with body image issues needs a different treatment approach than a 30-something mother that simply feels she doesn't deserve to eat. But both suffer from the same symptom: a restrictive eating disorder.
It seems like only me and one other person have realized this.
According to the Internet, only teen girls who think they are fat have anorexia. (Except for a few mentions that men can have it too! *gasp*)
The fact is, however, that anyone can develop a restrictive eating disorder. Any gender, any age, and for so many reasons that trying to list them is pointless.
Yes, a teen girl with body image issues needs a different treatment approach than a 30-something mother that simply feels she doesn't deserve to eat. But both suffer from the same symptom: a restrictive eating disorder.
It seems like only me and one other person have realized this.
Second Post
This feels like hitting bottom.
I went to bed Tuesday morning about 0500 and slept 30 hours.
I finally weigh what I should: 135 pounds. I feel fat and disgusting.
I spent hours today looking for support groups for anorexia-type eating disorders for adults and found a lot of crap and almost nothing useful.
Whose bright idea is it to have weight-loss ads on ED sites?
I went to bed Tuesday morning about 0500 and slept 30 hours.
I finally weigh what I should: 135 pounds. I feel fat and disgusting.
I spent hours today looking for support groups for anorexia-type eating disorders for adults and found a lot of crap and almost nothing useful.
Whose bright idea is it to have weight-loss ads on ED sites?
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