Don't know where to begin

Haven't eaten in two days.  That feels good.  My shrink quit.  That feels bad.  If i take enough Ativan I don't notice how much i am crying.

The worst part

The worst part is the loneliness.  Having no one to talk to, about anything.  And no one should be burdened with me anyway.

I want to be in recovery from all this shit but all i do is push myself, push myself, push myself until i crack and fall down exhausted again, like today, when everything brings me to tears and all i want is to curl up and not exist anymore.

Morning Page 090723

Up until about 0330, slept on couch, kids woke me at 0830. so fucking tired.

Yesterday set appointment with neurologist downtown, set up call-back for psychiatrist appointment in September.

Also looked into "text novels" - the ones people get on their cell phones.

Want to switch to a friendlier OS for the laptop, but without a CD drive it is not easy to do ... then found my memory was almost maxed out, so cleared off music and failed applications.

For some reason I can't add anything to my music player.

A lot of frustration, and little accomplishment. Same shit, different day.

Never Too Late For A Monday, Part 2

I got so depressed I started crying, then I burned myself. No satisfaction there: I am a cutter, it's not just the pain, it's the blood ...

Never Too Late For A Monday

The Universe must have felt bad that I missed Monday, so I get Monday today.

D caught me off-guard and I was talking about myself. He told me I'm "like a broken record" - I'm supposed to be there for him, it's not the other way around. I am supposed to listen to his problems, his medical concerns, his work gripes, and so forth. If I speak, I am supposed to supply amusement and light commentary. Serious topics, and anything to do with my feelings, are not to be discussed. As I said, I was caught off guard. I apologized, told him I would need time to come up with something entertaining, and signed off. I guess I won't be talking to him anymore.

I suppose it's better this way - better to really be alone than to be trying to be bright and cheery for some one who doesn't appreciate what it costs me while my world falls apart.

Morning Page 090722

Slept on the couch; broken sleep of course ... awakened at 0830, too too soon, and not early enough!

Walked six miles yesterday and i think i got some sunburn on my neck; ate a hard-boiled egg, a few tortilla chips, a taco puff, and fruit salad.

Bleh.

Recovery Hurdles

Even when I am in a mindset of wanting to recover, feel better, do better, it seems I face so many obstacles ...

Most significant, I suppose, is the sense of isolation. Even the professionals paid to provide me care couldn't care less.

Then there is the issue of diagnosis. Despite a platoon of doctors for various symptoms, I have yet to receive an official diagnosis for anything - and without an official label, I am limited in my avenues of assistance.

Frustrating, to say the least ...

Morning Page 090721

I am sick of feeling this way, but more than that, I am sick of feeling like I am the only person who cares ...

I get told that my feelings matter to other people, but what they say and how they act do not tell the same story.

If I just go by how they act, no one gives a fuck about me. I get the impression I am the only one who even thinks I have feelings, and I might well be crazy: so are my feelings even real? Judging by other people, they are not. If only I perceive something that the rest of the world does not, that is insane.

I have to fight this madness of believing I have valid feelings, like real people have. I am not a real person and I have to accept that. But I am so scared to let go of the insanity and only be a thing whose purpose is to support the real people around me.

Morning Pages

A tip I read about, concerning journaling and recovery processes, is using "morning pages" to vent out any starting low one might have. When first waking, blood sugar is low, which can contribute to depressed mood. So, first thing, journaling out those thoughts and feelings - just to be rid of them - is a good idea; and these "morning pages" should/could be kept separate from other journaling to preserve the validity and focus of the "real" journal. (The author of the tip suggested the "morning pages" should not be reread later, and kept in a different location than any other daily log, for easy disposal.)

Dyssomnia

Went to bed about 0330 Monday morning; got up at 0600 today.

Guess I couldn't take another Monday so soon after the last one.

My World, Welcome To It

So last Saturday I went to my psychiatrist for my 15-minutes-every-six-weeks-appointment.

I told him I had been struggling with my restrictive eating disorder (he looked at me like "you lie, you fatass, you are not anything like anorexic"). Then I told him I wanted to try bupropion ("Wellbutrin") since I was feeling so depressed.

He already writes me a prescription for anti-seizure medication.

All documentation says bupropion should not be taken by people who have histories including seizures and eating disorders.

He wrote the prescription.

Nice, huh?

So today I started the 'bup-up' and mentioned to my husband I had started it. He didn't ask "what medicine," or "what side effects," although with every medication up until now I had discussed such things with him, especially side effects, so he would know what to watch for just in case.

Then he went out.

So I am home alone, and anything could happen ... nothing will, of course, but anything could.

This is my life.

Monday!

To quote Brenda Spencer, I don't like Mondays.

I totally overslept despite waking at 0630, 0830, and 1030.

Slow, angsty start to the worst day of the week. Blech.